What is parentification and why does it matter?

Parentification occurs when parents look to their children for emotional and/or practical support instead of providing it and the the roles of the parent and child become reversed. Where the child becomes the emotional or physical caregiver to the parent (or to one or more siblings) the child is forced to assume adult responsibilities before the child is ready to do so. When these adult responsibilities are placed onto a child, the child is overwhelmed and experiences stressors beyond the child’s coping abilities. Parentification disrupts the ordinary bonds between the parent and the child and disrupts the natural process of child development. Parentification creates a state of chronic stress, leaving the child without necessary support and protection. In most cases, these disruptions have far-reaching negative effects on the child’s mental and physical health.

Parentified children may have a hard time building trust and may have difficulties with anger management and emotional regulation. Parentified children may also experience other common trauma responses, such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and substance abuse disorder. As they get older, parentified children may also experience difficulties with relationships because they may not have learned how to set proper boundaries with others or how to get theirs needs met in healthy ways.

How does this happen?

Parentification can occur under a variety of circumstances where a parent’s ability to parent is compromised in some way. For example, where a parent is experiencing physical disabilities or ill health, alcohol or substance abuse, mental health difficulties, and/or lack of support from other adults, a child may assume the role of caring for the parent or other children in the home. Financial hardship, divorce or family separation, or the illness of a sibling may also contribute to the parentification of a child. Simply stated, parentification of a child can occur when a child responds to the stress factors in the home by assuming adult roles and responsibilities. Parentification is not to be confused with the assumption of age-appropriate chores or responsibilities ordinarily assigned to children in a home.

What can a parent do to prevent it from happening?

Parentification of a child rarely happens overnight. In cases of divorce or separation, the gradual process of parentification begins when a child responds to the stress in the home by wanting to help the parent emotionally, financially, or by taking care of matters in the home. To prevent the child from assuming an adult role, parents should encourage the child to remain focused on age-appropriate responsibilities such as school, chores, and extra-curricular activities. Parents should let the child know that although some things may have changed or become more difficult because of the separation, the parent is responsible and will manage the stressors. Parents should also be careful not to say anything that inadvertently asks the child to fill an adult role or grow up too soon. For example, telling a child to “be the man of the house” or “step up” could inadvertently signal an end to childhood or suggest that the parent is not able to handle the issues in the home.  Similarly, while it is important to be honest and transparent with children, parents should take care not to be too open about emotional hurts, financial issues, or other daily stressors. Children of separating or divorcing parents should never be treated as a parent’s confidant, new best friend, source of emotional support, or therapist. This level of openness and reliance on the child can easily overwhelm the child and burden the child with the need or desire to solve the parent’s problems. Parents should seek advice and support from friends, family, support groups, or professionals. Finally, separating or divorcing parents need to ensure that the change in circumstances does not result in the loss of the child’s childhood. For example, increased responsibilities at home should not be passed to the children in the home. Although age-appropriate chores and some new responsibilities may be appropriate, parents should ensure that children do not become primarily responsible for cooking, cleaning, caring for other children, or other adult tasks in the home. Providing some additional help in the home should not be allowed to deprive the child of the opportunity to develop an age-appropriate manner. The primary responsibility of a child is to be a child, not an adult.

What are some signs or symptoms of a parentified child?

The signs of parentification differ for each child and may be influenced by the child’s temperament and the degree to which the child is parentified.

• Avoidance of age-appropriate activities: Parentified children often avoid age-appropriate activities. They may be uninterested in activities enjoyed by their peers and may be hesitant to join in activities with other children. They may act older than their age.
• Inability to identify and connect to their own emotions: Because parentified children have learned to place the needs of others before their own, they may have difficulty recognizing their own emotion and needs. This may lead to emotional dysregulation or difficulties in setting boundaries.
• Depression: A parentified child may display signs of childhood depression because the child is not receiving emotional validation from the parent, is carrying a burden that is bigger than the child can successfully manage, or feels responsible for their negative feelings.
• Anxiety: A parentified child may also develop and show symptoms associated with childhood anxiety as a result of a belief that the child’s actions are responsible for the physical and emotional equilibrium of the household.
• Disruptive behavior: A parentified child may engage in disruptive behavior as an expression of frustration resulting from the parents’ failure to meet the child’s needs. Disruptive behavior may include verbal outbursts or aggressive behavior towards others.
• Guilt: Parentified children may experience feelings of guilt for not being able to adequately fulfill the adult-level responsibilities they feel compelled to complete. They may shows signs of withdrawal or make self-deprecating remarks.
• Physical symptoms: Parentified children who are unable to adequately express their emotions will often experience somatic symptoms, such as stomach aches or headaches that seemingly have no cause.
• Poor academic performance: In addition to coping with the stress of the separation or divorce, parentified children are often too busy taking care of the parent or siblings to properly focus on homework, tests, or even attending school on a regular basis.
• Substance abuse: Because their emotional needs are not being met by their parents, parentified children sometimes turn to substance use to self-medicate and repress their feelings.

Now what?

The road to parentification of a child is often gradual and inadvertent. Naturally, it is best to prevent the parentification of a child by maintaining the clear boundaries between adult and child responsibilities in the home. However, given the emotions and the practical realities following separation or divorce, these boundaries can sometimes be blurred. Once a parent or attorney realizes that the lines may have been blurred, it is best to step back and objectively assess whether the child has assumed an age-inappropriate responsibility in the home or whether the task is age-appropriate and developmentally appropriate for the child. For example, it may not be inappropriate to ask a 16-year-old child to walk to the bus stop and take the bus to school even if he was driven to school by a parent before the separation. On the other hand, it may be inappropriate to ask the same child to wake his younger siblings, get them dressed, gather their book bags, and get them to school on time every day. Similarly, although it is natural and appropriate for a child to express concern for a parent’s well-being at some level, it is not appropriate for the child to assume the role of caretaker, confidante, or breadwinner.  If an objective assessment establishes that a child is being given or has assumed adult responsibilities, it is best to take all necessary steps to ensure that the child is redirected to assuming age-appropriate roles within the family. This may be accomplished through family therapy, individual therapy, or even co-parenting sessions. As with all child related matters in Family Court, care must be taken to ensure that the child does not become a pawn in the legal conflicts or disagreements between the parents.