By Samantha Carella, PsyD, ABPP-CC – Board Certified Psychologist in Child and Adolescent Psychology –  s.carella@mailppa.com

Holidays are stressful enough, even in families that are cohesive and in which everyone gets along. Add in the recipe of separation/divorce and ill feelings towards your ex and consider how this impacts your children.

Do you remember the holidays as a child? We remember being carefree and just being a kid.  Would you like this for your own children?  This can still happen even in the context of a separated/divorced family.  It all about prioritizing your children’s feelings and protecting them. They will have many years ahead to worry and take on responsibilities. We want them to be kids while they are still kids.

How can you do this? Here are some points to consider:

1. Let your children enjoy their time with their other parent:

Unless the other parent lives out of state or the country, your children are likely to spend part of the holiday with their other parent- let them enjoy their time with that parent.  Do not make comments or interfere in a way that could affect their time or make them feel guilty.  When they come home from being with the other parent, do not show annoyance or ask too many questions about their time with their parent.

2. Spending holidays together or separate:

Some parents spend holidays together. If the separation/divorce is new and it is the “first” of a holiday for your family, spending the holiday (while putting aside feelings) is a wonderful way to show the children that, despite their parents not being together as a couple, they are still the priority.  However, if the tension or negativity is too high or tense, do not spend the holiday together. This may backfire and possibly stress out your children even more and cause psychological impact on them.

3. Avoid conflict at all costs:

The data shows that children watching their parents argue or overhearing a parent talking about the other parent in a negative manner is detrimental to their emotional well-being and relationships.  Avoiding fighting is best, especially during the holidays. Do not speak negatively of the other parent in front of the children.  Consider your children’s needs first.  If one parent is still persistent, consider compromising for the sake of taking away the tension.

4. Make new holiday traditions in your home:

Make new traditions in each household for the holidays so the children have something to look forward to doing. Not only will creating new traditions help smooth the transition for your children, but it will also help everyone focus on the joy of the holidays.

5. Handling gift giving:

Communicate with your ex about presents and take your children to buy gifts and a card for their other parent.  This shows respect for them, even if the other parent is not reciprocating.

Remember, the holidays are not the time to “buy” your children’s love and/or complete against each other for the best present.

6. Be flexible with the schedule:

Your children may want to be with both parents over the holidays, but they do not have control of this.  Consider this and be flexible with your ex.  If your schedule is already set up like this, then fantastic! But often it is not. Often parents want their children for the holiday, not considering that the other parent wants and deserves time with them. Make sure your motives are for the child’s best interest, not your own. So rather than focus on how it would be nice to have your children, think about what is best for the children.

7. Compromise and sacrifice:

During the holidays, be more compromising with your ex.  When you do so, do not remind the children of these compromises/sacrifices, just do it. This reduces the likelihood that your children will experience any guilt related to these compromises.  Think of the holidays as a way to consider family first, putting your own personal feelings aside.

Holidays are about spending time with family and your children now must divide their time due to the choices that their parents have made.  They did not make the decision, but they need to live in the decision.  No matter how you plan out the holiday arrangements, there still may be challenges to how your children will respond, especially during the first few holiday seasons since this is all new to them.  Remember, there is no correct way or formula to spend the holiday post-separation/divorce. The only thing we want to strive for is happiness and less stress for all family members.

Happy Holidays!