Written by Neena Malik, Ph.D., drneenamalik@gmail.com and Stacey B. Jones, Ph.D., drjones@drstaceyjones.com

In ideal circumstances, children are never pushed beyond their capacities as growing and maturing people to care for the adults around them. There are circumstances, however, that may force children to take more of the lead in caretaking in family systems. When this happens, children are made to take on more “parentified” roles in their families, which the scientific literature often also calls “role-reversal” in parent-child relationships. In these situations, children do not have the safety and security of being the ones who are cared for, and instead, they are put in the position of taking on much more adult roles and responsibilities. The effects of such parentification can be traumatic and have a long-lasting negative impact on development. One of the reasons for the negative impact on children is that within a parent-child relationship, a child can grow and thrive under the knowledge and feeling that their parent is there to provide them with safety, security, emotional support, and the necessities for living, such as food, shelter, clothing, and access to resources such as schools and health care. When an adult caregiver defaults on some or all aspects of parenting, a child loses a feeling of safety and security and must put their own needs aside to either take care of or take over the role of the parent – or both. While adults can be expected to have the ability to cope with their own challenges such that they can put their own needs aside to take care of their children, no child is expected to be able to manage those relationship complexities, let alone make adult decisions in the world. A child is then thrust into an adult world with huge emotional and sometimes even practical responsibilities, without the skills or support to do so. Being turned into an adult as a child is a damaging process that can lead to depression, low self-esteem, and relationship problems throughout the lifespan.

There are many non-ideal circumstances that force children into parentified roles.  Parents who have mental illnesses, substance abuse, or intellectual challenges may not have, either temporarily or permanently, the ability to truly parent and engage in both good judgment and behavior with children. Parents with physical illness simply may not have the energy or capacity for parenting, and they may themselves need substantial assistance to make it through the day. A child in an immigrant family may be the only family member to speak the language of the dominant culture, forcing a child to interact at an adult level as an interpreter for members of the family system, including their parents. In high-conflict divorces, it is not at all uncommon for parents to be so emotionally torn apart by the circumstances of their family dissolution that they may, temporarily or permanently, lose the ability to maintain healthy attachment and caregiving relationships with their children.

Parentification of children may involve having to take emotional or physical care, or both, of parents. It may also be the case that a parentified child has to move into the role of a parent to younger siblings or even grandparents, if the parents themselves are incapacitated and not able to function as caregivers themselves. Parentification may include boundary violations, which may be subtle but can be extremely damaging to children. These boundary violations may take the form of parents overly confiding in their children about their own problems; asking children to be their friends and problem solvers; suggesting that their children can handle hearing about things they should not hear about, such as legal proceedings, because they see their children as highly mature or wise beyond their years; or parents who become so upset when a child is upset that the child has to put their own feelings aside in order to help their parents calm down.

Experiences of parentification have been identified as extremely pathological for children, but this is not an experience that is without remedy.  In fact, there are some situations that, when handled sensitively and empathically, may in fact promote long-term coping, confidence, and maturity, rather than the opposite.  Helping a parent navigate a medical crisis or an illness or serving as an interpreter for a parent learning a new language, can be a challenge that leads to growth and positive self-esteem for a child, if there is effective, empathic, and consistent support for a child who has to take on that role. There are also psychological interventions that can both reverse and heal the parentification process in a family.

Some approaches include:

1. Individual therapy for the child: Providing a safe and supportive space for the child to express emotions, process experiences, and help them develop their own identity separate from the parentified role is crucial. A therapist may teach and encourage healthy boundaries, develop age-appropriate coping mechanisms, and address emotional and/or psychological issues that may have developed as a result of the parentification.
2. Individual therapy for the parent(s):  It is important for the parent to have a therapeutic space to address any underlying issues contributing to the parentification, such as single parenting, marital problems, substance abuse, physical disabilities, or mental illness.
3. Family therapy: Involving the family in the therapeutic process can help improve communication, a better understanding of each other, and dynamics within the family system. It allows for open dialogue and exploration of family roles, appropriate boundaries, and expectations.
4. Psychoeducation: Educating both the child and the parent(s) about healthy child development and appropriate parent-child boundaries is important. This can involve teaching parents about age-appropriate responsibilities and encouraging them to take on their own roles within the family. Children also need to understand that it is not their responsibility to take care of their parents, siblings, or grandparents beyond what is developmentally and age appropriate.
5. Support networks: Encouraging the child to build relationships and engage in age-appropriate activities outside of the family can help them develop a sense of normalcy and reduce their reliance on the parentified role. Additionally, connecting the family with external support networks, such as extended family, mentors, or community resources, can provide alternative sources of guidance and support.
6. Self-care: Teaching the child, parent(s), and family members about self-care is essential. Families need to understand the importance of taking care of their own emotional and physical needs, setting aside time for relaxation and enjoyment, and seeking support when necessary.

Reversing parentification is a complex process that requires time, patience, and ongoing support. Professional guidance from therapists experienced in working with family dynamics and trauma can greatly assist in facilitating the healing and growth necessary for both the child and the parent(s) involved.