In co-parenting, the tone of written messages has a tremendous influence on the tenor of the entire relationship. Although the content of the message is crucial, the tone matters just as much. A reasonable request, framed with an insult, will not receive a warm response.

A neutral tone, on the other hand, doesn’t incite conflict. In fact, it may even calm conflict. This is especially useful in high-conflict co-parenting relationships, where emotional messages tend to aggravate negativity further and further. A dispassionate message gives the other co-parent very little to use as a springboard for further escalating the situation.

Of course, content-based strategies are still crucial, such as staying focused on the children and not wandering off on rabbit trails. However, it is not only possible but also common to communicate these child-focused messages in a way that agitates the recipient. Examples of negative tone include, but are not limited to, sarcasm, insults, accusations, swear words, and derision—all of which can escalate conflict, regardless of the content of the message.

Even when one parent shows narcissistic behaviors (such as intense emotions, manipulation, blaming, and disregarding boundaries), the other parent can mitigate the situation by responding calmly. The concept of the “grey rock” method can help. With this approach, you make yourself as boring as a rock by responding concisely and calmly, laser focused on the topic at hand and ignoring anything else. Eventually, that communication style becomes boring to the first parent, and they grow less interested in engaging intensely.

This strategy, however, is extremely hard to execute, especially when the co-parent sending the message is mired in deep emotions and struggling to see past them. Many parents would benefit from a bit of assistance here.

That’s where the OurFamilyWizard ToneMeter comes into play. It highlights passages that could spark continued or additional conflict. This prompts the writer to take a moment, reconsider, and rewrite. It helps the writer compose messages more thoughtfully and consciously, rather than writing in a flurry of emotions and then sending without much editing.

Parents may even need a helping hand to better communicate in the best tone. OurFamilyWizard’s newest beta, ToneMeter AI, offers suggestions for rewriting flagged messages. These suggestions are concise, businesslike, and neutral—without losing any crucial context. This feature helps parents who feel profoundly upset, but want to escape the negative feedback loop and keep their children’s best interest front and center.

When co-parents message in a nonconfrontational way, with the help of AI, they can focus on solving problems. Previously, the upsetting back-and-forth conversation was too distracting and exhausting, but now it is tempered. ToneMeter AI also encourages parents to keep a clean record, subtly reminding them that every message is documented and could be brought to court.

With a little assistance in writing messages, co-parents can experience significantly less negativity in their co-parenting communications. Even if their co-parent does not respond by adjusting their tone, the writer will still experience significantly less emotional distress by staying calm and rational. But the most likely scenario is that conflict will fade—sometimes significantly.